Overcoming Failure to Launch Syndrome: A Guide to Independence

Let’s be honest: The young adult years can be really tough on both teens and their families. The truth is that the challenges of the moment are not talked about nearly enough.

Sometimes a teenager finds himself in a position where it is difficult to break free from his parents. They may still live at home, can’t find work, or have trouble being motivated or able to leave the nest. When this happens, it’s often called “failure to launch,” which refers to a phenomenon where young adults have trouble breaking free from their people.

If you’re experiencing “failure to launch syndrome,” or if you’re a parent with a child in this position, you probably have a lot of questions and concerns. You want to know what the problem is, the signs and symptoms, the effects — and most importantly, how to go about dealing with it.

What is failure to launch syndrome?

A 23-year-old college grad who still lives at home. A 19-year-old who realizes college isn’t the right path, but can’t figure out what the next step is, and still lives with his folks. A 25-year-old who bounces from job to job, and can’t seem to hold down a steady job… or the motivation to get off his parents’ couch.

These are just a few examples of young people who can be described as failure to launch syndrome.

“I would define failure to launch syndrome as difficulty achieving and maintaining independence from one’s family and difficulty completing normal developmental tasks,” says Alyssa Ferrers, LPC, a licensed professional counselor in Texas.

At what age does it usually affect? “Young adults, ages 18-30, and their families, often present with these concerns,” says Furrs.

It’s important to keep in mind that living at home for several years in your 20s is actually normal for some people. In many cultures, in fact, it is expected. “In some cultures, failing to become independent by a certain age is not an expected developmental task, so in this case, it would not be considered maladaptive, but rather a normal and valued way of life that would continue into adulthood with the family of origin,” Frears explained.

Data from the Pew Research Center shows that the percentage of young adults who are financially independent from their parents has declined over the past few decades. In 2018, 24% of youth aged 22 and under were financially independent from their parents. On the other hand, in 1980, 32% of young people aged 22 and under were financially independent from their parents.

Is mental illness a failure to initiate?

Here’s the thing: Although many people can be described as having it, failure to launch isn’t an official mental illness. It is not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), and is not a widely studied phenomenon. Still, it is well recognized by many experts.

“Although failure to launch is not an official diagnosis, it is a psychological phenomenon that reflects developmental inhibition,” says Erica Bach, a clinical psychologist in New York. What’s more, according to Dr. Bach, teens who have trouble becoming financially and emotionally independent from their parents may experience more mental health challenges than their peers.

“Anyone struggling with mental health issues, such as depression, severe anxiety, OCD, or other mental health conditions, may find that taking on additional responsibilities feels like it’s too much,” says Dr. Bach. Similarly, people with mental health problems may have more trouble with the responsibilities of adulthood or transitioning from caring for their parents.

What is the failure to launch syndrome most associated with?

Often times, teenagers who are struggling to become independent are thought of as spoiled or lazy and their parents are described as indulgent. This stigma can make it even more difficult for both parents and their children to move forward and find a path toward healthy independence from each other.

But we shouldn’t point too many fingers when it comes to launch failures. Dr Bach says the reasons behind this are complex and multi-factorial. “Like anything psychological, it’s usually not the only factor that determines failure to launch,” she says.

What are some of these factors and associations? According to Dr. Bach, how a person was parented during the teenage years can affect how well the young adult is able to function independently.

“For example, parents take care of their child’s non-academic needs to show love and help them focus on school. However, they are unconsciously sending the message that the child can only handle one task at a time, and they never get the chance to learn how to manage the many responsibilities that come with adulthood.”

Children who grow up with anxiety and perfectionism may also have trouble “launching” as adults. Fear of failure can hold them back. This may be especially true if they are allowed to avoid situations where they face failure. “Children who learn to avoid and avoid difficult tasks due to anxiety, perfectionism, or lack of self-confidence may find it easier to avoid launching,” says Dr. Bach.

Overparenting and a lack of essential life skills can also be contributing factors, Furrs says. But again, she says trying to boil any of these things isn’t the best approach.

“When working with a troubled young adult, it is important to take an individualized, culturally sensitive and holistic approach.”

Recognizing the symptoms

Failure to launch looks different from person to person. According to Furrers, some of the symptoms that a young person may be experiencing include:

• Failure to reach developmental milestones at the same rate as their peers, such as learning to drive or moving toward personal, educational, or career goals
• Difficulty planning or considering the prospect of financial independence
• Lack of motivation in pursuit of personal interests
• Over dependence on parents
• Struggling with adult responsibilities in general

“Parents often recognize that their child is failing to reach levels of anxiety that interfere with functioning, such as young adults living at home and struggling to contribute to the household in their late 20s,” says Dr. Bach. “Seeing signs at an early age is the best way to intervene so these patterns don’t persist later in life.”

Some signs that a child or adolescent may be suffering from launch failure may include low self-esteem, avoidance of difficult tasks, and more than a certain level of dependence on parents. says Dr. Beck.

Understanding the impact on individuals and families

The impact that failure to launch has on both individuals and families cannot be overstated. In short. This, in turn, can be extremely difficult, complicated and downright frustrating for all involved.

Individuals

Those affected by the failure to launch are likely to have mixed feelings, many of them anxious. It can be difficult to talk about how you’re feeling, and shame and embarrassment are common. “For the individual who experiences failure to launch, there is shame around them not meeting some of the milestones expected of them,” Dr. Bach explained.

Additionally, individuals may feel unhappy with the burden placed on them. They may be “disappointed or frustrated with the expectations of their family or community,” Ferrers says.

Families

The effects of failure to launch also strongly affect the individual’s parents and family. “Families may be concerned or frustrated by an individual’s lack of progress toward developmental expectation goals,” Furrs explained. Family members may also have challenges maintaining boundaries with their child, and they may have difficulty navigating a new “adult-to-adult” relationship between parent and child, Furrs says.

Resentment from parents is also common. “Families often feel frustrated and resentful of the individual for not changing and using more resources (both time and money), as well as feeling trapped and helpless, not knowing what they can do to change the dynamic,” notes Dr. Bach.

How do you ‘fix’ failure to launch syndrome?

Well, if you or a child are dealing with failure to launch, you want to know: How to get over it? We get it. It can feel like an insurmountable problem to tackle. But there is hope.

Therapy

Therapy is an effective way to manage failure to launch. “Counseling can help deal with the challenges surrounding failure to launch syndrome, whether it’s individual counseling for the person who is expecting, or family therapy to help moderate family dynamics during the transition period,” says Furrs.

Starting individual therapy is a great place to start for anyone struggling with impotence. Think of therapy as “a safe place for you to unpack how you’re going to be here in a curious and unbiased way,” explains Dr. Bach. Therapy can help you better understand your situation, learn to accept yourself, and find healthy ways to move forward and be more independent.

“The key is to take small, actionable steps that are possible to improve feelings of agency and competence,” advises Dr. Bach.

Tips for parents

If you’re a parent, you probably feel like you’re walking a bit of a tightrope when dealing with your kid’s inability to launch. You want to set boundaries and encourage independence, but also keep the relationship loving and warm.

Furrs offers the following tips for parents dealing with this challenge:

• Set clear boundaries and rules
• Clearly communicate your expectations for your child
• If offering physical or financial support, set a clear time frame. For example, you will provide X amount of financial support, and for X amount of time
• Provide support, but don’t enable
• Only offer help if you won’t be offended by it
• Seek counseling if needed, both for you and your child