The power after that
I remember one day in rehab, after a particularly painful day of group therapy, the facilitator decided to end with a mindfulness meditation. Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, I welcomed the opportunity to close my eyes and shut out the world for a while.
But as he guided our awareness through the body, I became painfully aware of what was happening inside me—my jaw and throat tightening, my heart pounding, the knot of fear swirling in my stomach. My body didn’t feel like a safe place. It felt like a war zone.
When the meditation was over, he reminded us how important it is in recovery “To live in now. And that left me with a burning question I didn’t dare ask: What if mine feels unbearable now?
When the meditation was over, he reminded us how important it is in recovery “To live in now. And that left me with a burning question I didn’t dare ask: What if mine feels unbearable now?
For many people in recovery, being in the body can feel like stepping into enemy territory. It’s where we feel emotional pain, unresolved trauma, and survival responses that we haven’t felt in years. Mindfulness invites us to become aware of our bodies and minds, to sit with our feelings and thoughts.
For many people, this is a neutral concept. However, for addicts in recovery, it is also said that once we return to the danger our addiction saved us from.
I once heard someone say, “You can’t feel the power of the moment until you fix the power of the moment.” This statement really stuck with me.
Mindfulness doesn’t always feel helpful when the nervous system is carrying trauma – when we’re disengaged, overwhelmed, or stuck in fight/flight/freeze mode. Sometimes it heightens our awareness of pain and suffering within us, providing resources without competition.
The root of addiction
Many experts in the field of trauma and addiction believe that trauma is at the root of addiction. One of the most influential voices in this work, Gabor Saathi, invites us to shift the question, Why addiction? to do Why the pain?
Many of us are operating from an outdated idea of what trauma actually is. Trauma is not defined by the event itself. It is defined by what happens inside us as a result of the event, the imprint it leaves on our body and mind.
This reframing, bringing attention to the suffering beneath the behavior, was the most powerful turning point in my recovery.
You may be reading this and thinking, “That doesn’t apply to me. I’m not traumatized.” Yet many of us are operating from an outdated idea of what trauma actually is. Trauma is not defined by the event itself. It is defined by what happens inside us as a result of the event, the imprint it leaves on our body and mind.
Trauma expert Pat Ogden describes trauma as “”someone Intimidating, overwhelming experience that we can’t assimilate. When understood this way, it becomes more relevant. It is not limited to catastrophic events. It also includes the non-digestible life experiences that most of us have in varying degrees. These are the moments that show how secure we feel in the world, in our relationships, and in our bodies.
If substances become a way to comfort, regulate or relieve the imprint of these experiences, then this is the link between trauma and addiction. Addiction does not appear without a reason. This is your body and nervous system trying to restore balance.
Mindfulness presents challenges
Mindfulness is not inherently problematic for everyone with trauma. For some, it’s deeply supportive. The difficulty for some people living with trauma symptoms is that mindfulness can sometimes exacerbate those symptoms, and in some cases even cause re-trauma.
Mindfulness eventually became one of my greatest resources. But in the early days, before I was aware of trauma, I often pushed through the pain, believing it was part of the process. I remember one meditation in particular where I forced myself to sit with a growing uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I believed that if I stayed with him long enough, I would eventually reach some happy state. Instead, it sent me into a severe dissociative state that lasted for weeks—something I later learned is not uncommon for trauma survivors.
That’s why it’s important to understand the potential challenges of mindfulness for some people — so if you’re having trouble, you know it’s not a sign of failure. This is simply a signal from your nervous system that more protection is needed.
Here are some basic signals to pay attention to:
Focusing on the body or breath can be activating
Trauma lives on in the body as a physical sensation, compulsion, stress and survival response. When we bring awareness to the breath, or the areas that hold this survival energy.
Mindfulness can trigger painful memories or flashbacks
Turning inward creates space for memories, images, or emotions that were previously suppressed to rise to the surface. When they do, the body and mind can react as if the past is happening again. In other words, we begin to experience the power of the moment.
A silent nervous system can feel threatened.
For someone who is used to living in a state of fight, flight, or chronic hypervigilance, silence can feel unfamiliar and unsafe. Even when the body is used to scanning for danger, a sense of calm can feel dangerous.
Self-observation can activate shame or self-judgment
Turning the focus inward can heighten self-critical thoughts, especially for someone whose trauma involves blame, guilt, or a loss of self-worth.
None of this means mindfulness should be avoided. Far from it, it simply means that the practice may need to be approached differently: with more packaging, choice, and safety at its core.
Practicing Mindfulness Safely
Safety is the foundation of trauma recovery and one of the cornerstones of trauma-informed mindfulness. David Trillion, the founder of trauma-sensitive mindfulness, emphasizes that mindfulness for trauma survivors must be flexible, and able to adapt to an individual’s nervous system and needs. They should be adapted. Rather than promoting suffering, this approach supports choice, regulation, and autonomy.
When you start to feel activated, you can make some adjustments to your mindfulness practice:
- Start the appearance. For many people, starting with external anchors feels more supportive than turning the focus inward. Noticing sounds, feeling your feet on the floor, or gently orienting yourself to your surroundings can help settle the nervous system.
- Switch it on. Once a sense of grounding is established, you can gently return to your inner experience. This can help shift between inner and outer awareness, so that if something becomes too much, you can shift your focus back outward, adjust your posture, or pause altogether. Having a reliable anchor, something that feels supportive to fall back on, can be especially helpful.
- Get mobile. Movement can also be a powerful bridge to presence. Walking, stretching, or gently flowing can feel more accessible when stillness feels too threatening. You don’t have to sit still in the lotus position to meditate.
- Open your eyes. For some people, closing their eyes means they can’t scan dangerously. As people learn to find safety, practicing with eyes open, or with soft gaze, can reduce this risk as well as closing the eyes.
- Calm the noisy mind. It’s also worth noting that the mind—even when busy or critical—feels more secure than the body. Understanding this can help reduce frustration when the mind doesn’t quiet down the way we might expect.
One of the most important things to remember with trauma-sensitive mindfulness is that you have choice and autonomy. “We want them to know that they are in control in virtually every moment,” Trillion says. So, if things get overwhelming, fall back on what feels safe. Stay within your window of tolerance, which allows for some discomfort, but not where it’s excessive.
When practiced with care, mindfulness can be one of the greatest tools for trauma healing and addiction recovery. For me, the benefits were profound, so much so that I wrote a book about it. But the biggest benefit was reconnecting with a part of myself that addiction and trauma never touched: the part that was always there, watching quietly, peaceful and still. My true self!
Mindfulness doesn’t rewrite the past, but when we can embody a sense of safety, it helps us put it differently. So that the power of Then No longer overshadows his power Now.
