I’ll never forget the holiday moment a few years ago, when I found myself discussing her gift list with my young daughter. In theory, I never wanted my kids to make lists of things they wanted for Christmas and Hanukkah. But we used to “see Santa” when they were little, and they prepared to ask him for presents, so I’ve never really put my money where my mouth is.
Anyway, my daughter was in the back of the car excitedly going over her wish for Christmas, as if it was a done deal and she would soon get everything she hoped for.
And I was frantically trying to deal with the damage. I explained that Santa only brings one toy (“No, Mom, he brought Ella three last year!”). Santa can’t bring a live animal (she desperately wanted a live llama). And if your grandparents get you UGGS instead of knocking out the office, you won’t get another gift from them (lost economic logic at age seven).
I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was trying to create special holiday traditions that promote positive emotions that promote gratitude and altruism. And it all seemed to fall on deaf ears. My children are tall and tall. My parents even fought with me going to church on Christmas Eve, because they thought it would detract from the gift exchange.
I know I’m not alone. Almost all of my coaching clients have expressed similar frustrations. So if we don’t want our children to be exposed to consumerism, and we value other things, why does this happen year after year?
One answer, of course, is that at some level our society believes that our economy depends on a gift giving extravaganza, and that the holidays wouldn’t be fun without all the presents. I am reflecting on this and other forces at work this time of year. Here’s why I think we want, want, want so many things during the holidays.
Why the Holidays Are About “Wishes”
1. We systematically confuse gratification, which is faster, with true happiness or lasting happiness.
It’s a complicated concept for a seven-year-old (and, sometimes, for a 37-year-old): We may feel happy when we discover something new—we may even experience a sign of happiness—but that happiness is not really the same as happiness.
Think about how gratitude feels—and compassion, inspiration, or fear. Think about how you feel when you fall in love with your new baby, or fall in love with your longtime spouse. These are deep positive emotions – and to me, they are the positive emotions that are the foundation of a happy life.
Satisfying still feels good. It is central to our brain’s reward and motivation system. But when we confuse it with true happiness, we think we can’t really be happy — or our kids won’t be happy — without all the gifts and shopping.
2. Our brains are hard-wired for rewards. Happiness is a reward. It’s not that we aren’t meant to be happy, because we are.
But the key word here is pursuit: Our brain’s built-in reward system lures us to carrots, big and small, that keep popping out. We will pursue anything that looks like a reward, and so will our children.
When our brain detects a potential reward, it releases a powerful neurotransmitter called dopamine. That dopamine rush drives us toward the reward. Dopamine creates a very real desire for the carrot dangling in front of us.
It also makes us more susceptible to other temptations, which is why when we decide we want a cashmere sweater, that cookie suddenly looks great, and so do those pretty pottery barn dishes. High dopamine levels increase the appeal of immediate gratification (which is why you can’t suddenly check your email), and make us less concerned about long-term consequences (like your credit card bill).
Unfortunately, our brains don’t distinguish between rewards that will actually make us happy and those that won’t. Dopamine only motivates them to pursue it all. Thus, we are Want all kinds of things.
3. There are all carrots being mined.
They don’t call it neuromarketing for nothing.
And how does the baby reward in December? They put it on their wish list, then nag us until we break down and admit, yes, sometimes Santa brings more than one present. Or that each night of Hanukkah can bring a “little something.”
So when our kids seem greedy or materialistic at this time of year, it doesn’t mean we’ve failed to instill good values in them, or that they’re bad and bratty. It means they’re human, and that they’re under siege from a marketing-induced dopamine rush.
What is wisdom in desire?
This is an important lesson for our children to learn! Here’s how we can help: We can teach them to recognize that they want, want, want. We can teach them to recognize when they are being manipulated by advertisers.
It’s hard, but I’ve seen it’s possible: The other day, my older daughter was in a Thai restaurant barely watching a remote TV, and she said, “Wow, I know the commercial was meant to make me want those pants, and it worked. I really want those pants. I think I’d be happy if I had those pants.” She still wanted pants, of course, but at least she was getting some insight into what she wanted. She couldn’t stop the dopamine rush, but she could respond to it.
Finally, by creating meaningful traditions, we can teach our kids what will truly bring them lasting joy during the holidays — like starting a gratitude tradition or helping others. Those are the things they will really remember.
This article was originally published by more goodthe online magazine of UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, one of Mindfulness’s partners. To view the original article, click here. Sponsored by the John Templeton Foundation as part of GGSC’s Gratitude Project to Expand Gratitude Coverage.
