Retroactive Jealousy: Causes, Characteristics, and Coping

Have you ever felt uncomfortable with your partner’s dating history? Have you ever been jealous of their previous romantic partners? Have you ever compared yourself to their previous partners and felt insecure? If so, you may be experiencing retrograde jealousy.

Regressive jealousy occurs when you have an unhealthy preoccupation with your partner’s romantic history.

Characteristics of retrograde jealousy

We tapped clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, PSYD, to help us understand what withdrawal jealousy looks like. Below, Dr. Romanoff describes some of the characteristics of retrograde jealousy.

• Rumors about your partner’s past: You often think about your partner’s past and feel jealous of their previous partners.
• Doubting your partner: Jealousy can cause you to engage in unhealthy relationship behaviors such as checking your partner, doubting their word, or going through their phone. You’ll find yourself calling their friends or their workplace to check on their whereabouts, or reading their text messages to their exes.
• To compare: Maybe you’re already tired of your partner before a certain person and compare yourself to them. For example, you may find yourself bashing your ex on social media platforms and comparing your life and relationship to theirs.
• Concept of missing details: If you’re unfamiliar with the details of your partner’s romantic history, imagining a more idealized version of their past can be more appealing. You may fear that your partner has dated the most perfect, successful and beautiful people before you.

Reasons for retrograde jealousy

According to Dr. Romanoff, these are some possible causes of retrograde jealousy.

• You feel insecure: Insecurity is the most common trigger for insecurity. Whether real or imagined, people experience retrograde jealousy when they feel threatened in a relationship and don’t feel completely safe with their partner. This can come internally from one’s own insecurities or externally if their partner is withdrawing from them or being untrustworthy.
• You feel like something is missing: Regression jealousy is also triggered when the fantasy of a relationship with your partner’s ex seems better than your current relationship. For example, if you’re not connecting emotionally with your partner, you’re not spending much quality time together, or you feel like something else is missing in your relationship, you’ll fixate on what your partner is currently exploring in the past with someone else.
• You are susceptible to rejection: A 2018 study with 247 participants found that people who are sensitive to rejection are more prone to feeling jealous in relationships. Rejection sensitivity can keep you constantly on the lookout for signs of rejection and react disproportionately to benign or mildly negative words or behaviors from your partner.
• Your partner is still in touch with their ex: If your partner is still in contact with their ex, you find yourself wondering about their current contact status and considering every possible ‘what if’ scenario.
• You’ve been burned in the past: You may feel jealous if your current or former partner has been unfaithful or untrustworthy. While it can be difficult to prevent trust issues from past relationships from affecting your current relationship, it’s important to see your current partner for who they are.

Effect of retrograde jealousy

Jealousy can take a toll on you and your partner. Below, Dr. Romanoff outlines the effects of retrograde jealousy on your mental health and your relationships.

The effect on your mental health

Jealousy is a negative emotion that can send you down a debilitating spiral of unproductive thoughts. Fixating on your partner’s past can affect your ability to enjoy being with them. You may find yourself feeling stressed and anxious, which is a difficult and painful condition.

The effect on your relationship

Jealousy can cause you to pick fights with your partner that may be completely unnecessary if they have done nothing wrong.

Your partner may eventually become frustrated with your jealousy and feel affected by your lack of confidence and self-centeredness. This can affect the dynamic of your relationship and hurt you, making you an unequal partner.

Coping With Jealousy With Regression

Dr. Romanoff suggests some strategies that can help you deal with withdrawal-related jealousy:

• Avoid giving in to jealousy: If you’re feeling jealous, you might be tempted to join in and splash your partner. However, it is important to confront these behaviors and understand that they are counterproductive. Treat yourself to something else until the craving passes.
• Work on your self-esteem: Jealousy is often connected to one’s own worries and insecurities. Try to focus on yourself and work on strengthening your sense of confidence and building your self-esteem. Remember, there is a reason your partner is no longer with their ex and chooses to be with you. Use rational thinking to overcome your insecurities, which will likely turn out to be irrational upon closer examination.
• Focus on your relationship: Instead of dwelling on your partner’s past relationships, focus on your relationship with them. Spend quality time with them, create new memories and positive experiences together, and work on building trust and deepening the connection and intimacy between the two of you.
• Communicate with your partner: If your partner is actually giving you reasons to feel insecure about the relationship, communicate how you’re feeling and consider asking for changes in your relationship to help you feel more confident and secure.

Keep in mind

No one is too excited about their partner’s dating history. However, fostering jealousy over withdrawal can be detrimental to your peace of mind and your relationship.

If your jealousy is influenced by internal insecurities, it’s important to address them and put them to rest, so you can focus on enjoying your relationship with your partner. On the other hand, if your partner is behaving inappropriately with their ex, discuss your concerns with them and work on finding a solution and building trust together.