Jealousy becomes problematic when it arises in imagined scenarios, which can cause us to make three major “cognitive errors” that lead us to misinterpret the truth.
When jealousy collides, it can be all-consuming, destroying our relationships and causing a lot of emotional distress. We don’t want to be angry with anyone, yet the urge to do so feels uncontrollable. What makes jealousy so powerful?
In this video from the PBS science series Brancroft, creator and host Vanessa Hill explains where jealousy comes from and what we can do to work with this difficult emotion.
Why do I feel so jealous?
Jealousy often arises when we feel a threat to a relationship, says Hill. As children, we envy our siblings when they get our parents’ attention. As adults, we may feel jealous of someone new who takes an interest in our friend or partner.
“It’s a constellation of emotions from fear of loss and anxiety to anger, sadness and humiliation,” Hill says.
Jealousy can be genetic. A 2013 study reported that a third of jealousy is determined by our genes. But personality factors, such as low self-esteem, can also determine whether we are prone to feelings of jealousy.
“It’s important to understand that jealousy itself is a normal reaction, and we shouldn’t feel ashamed about it. It’s a wake-up call that there’s danger, forcing us to take steps to maintain a valued relationship.”
“It’s important to understand that jealousy itself is a normal reaction, and we shouldn’t feel ashamed about it,” Hill says. “It’s a wake-up call that there is a threat, forcing us to take steps to preserve valued relationships.”
Envy’s mind stuck
Hill says that jealousy becomes problematic when it arises in imagined scenarios, which can cause us to make three major “cognitive errors” that lead us to misinterpret the truth:
- Mind reading: When you care about someone, like a spouse, like being romantically interested in another person for no reason.
- Personalize: When you interpret everything in relation to yourself. For example, you might assume a friend who cancels plans because they’re sick really just doesn’t want to see you.
- Fortune telling: When you predict a person’s future actions, such as assuming that your boss will promote your new coworker over you.
“It’s okay to feel jealous sometimes, but there’s a difference between controlling it and letting it control you,” Hill says.
Eliminate Jealous Emotions: A 3-Step Awareness Practice
Hill says we can avoid cognitive errors by looking at how envy affects our body and mind. Here are three steps you can take the next time you start feeling jealous:
- Look at the body. When the green-eyed monster takes over, how does it make your body feel? Do you have any tightness in your chest? A pressure in your head? Practicing a body scan can help you see where the tension of jealous emotions is in your body – it can be different places for everyone. Hill also recommends writing down your feelings to help you focus and calm down.
- Recognize thought patterns. When you find yourself slipping into mind-reading, personalization, or fortune-telling, press pause. Consider whether or not these thoughts are based in reality. It can help to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship so you can focus on what you value in that person.
- identify The root of your jealousy. If you can, try to understand what you think is really threatening your relationship. Is it because your friend is spending time with this new person — or is it because you’ve been putting in long hours at work and not seeing as much as you’d like?
